Contents

Everything in the program

Full version← Back to the simple version

The program has two halves, and this page holds both. Part 1 is for understanding yourself. Part 2 holds the shared tools. Part 3 shows which of them fit each kind of relationship. The site directory at the bottom lists everything else.

Not sure where to start?

Tap whatever is closest to true right now. This is a shortcut into the lists below, not a different program.

The program has two halves. Self-discovery comes first: tools for understanding yourself. Relationship tools come next: shared tools for any two people, followed by a guide to which ones fit each kind of relationship. Everything is free and open to everyone, with no account, no paid version and no sign-up. Ways In explains more.

The book: Spread Love & Acceptance. Its main tool is a ledger: a notebook where you write down what happened, so you can look at it calmly later. That is the idea of the whole book: write down what is really going on, and change the setup instead of blaming a person. It has three parts, read in this order: Part One is about you and is where the book begins; Part Two opens with its own Preface and then Chapters I to V, about the people you share a life, a home or a job with; Part Three explains how people work, chapter by chapter, for anyone. Every chapter ends with a link to the next one. More about the book

  1. Part One: Yourself
    1. Then: where you came from · in depth
    2. Now: who you are today · in depth
    3. Next: who you are becoming · in depth
  2. Part Two: Between us
    1. Preface to Part Two: The work nobody sees · in depth
    2. Chapter I: Why we get out of tune · in depth
    3. Chapter II: Is the split working? · in depth
    4. Chapter III: Full tanks and different angles · in depth
    5. Chapter IV: Two kinds of fair · in depth
    6. Chapter V: The monthly look-back · in depth
  3. Part Three: Understanding people
    1. Chapter 1: How feelings work · in depth
    2. Chapter 2: Stress and the nervous system · in depth
    3. Chapter 3: How we see each other · in depth
    4. Chapter 4: How communication works · in depth
    5. Chapter 5: Attachment, trust and belonging · in depth
    6. Chapter 6: Habits and change · in depth
    7. Chapter 7: Self-worth, shame and self-compassion · in depth
    8. Chapter 8: Loss, grief and big life changes · in depth
    9. Chapter 9: Minds that work differently · in depth
    10. Chapter 10: Values, meaning and a good life · in depth
    11. Chapter 11: Healing after hurt · in depth
    12. Chapter 12: Helping others well · in depth
    13. Chapter 13: Anger: what it’s for and what to do with it · in depth
    14. Chapter 14: Personality, temperament and change across life · in depth
    15. Chapter 15: Closeness and love · in depth
    16. Chapter 16: Worry, low mood and trauma · in depth
    17. Chapter 17: Fitting in: groups, influence and culture · in depth
  4. Afterword
    1. What the book adds up to · in depth

Jump to: Self-discovery Relationship tools The book, in order The book, Part Three By relationship type Email updates

Part 1

Self-discovery: understanding yourself

An objective, outside look at your own load, wiring and patterns. Start here, with or without anyone else.

Check in with yourself

  1. DailyToday’s WeatherA one-minute read on your own conditions: the sky, the pressure, sleep, people load and what’s blowing in. You get a forecast, a talk window, what today is good for, and a private almanac of your patterns.free
  2. WP-02How much are you carrying?Five questions that separate the load you’re already carrying from what just happened.free
  3. ToolFrequency CalibrationMeasure your natural rhythms for money, decisions, check-ins and recovery before you compare them with anyone else’s.free

Understand your wiring

  1. GuideWired DifferentlyHow your neurotype (the way your brain is wired) shapes the way words reach you, across 14 kinds of wiring, from neurotypical to autistic, ADHD, anxious and highly sensitive.free
  2. ToolWiring CardPut what you learn on one page: how you receive words, what your silence means, and what to avoid. Share it only if you choose.free

Settle and regulate

  1. WP-11The Calm-Down KitDecide in advance what settles your body, so it’s ready when a hard moment comes.free
  2. AudioBrain BreakersThree instrumental pieces to see and feel. Optional.free

Understand yourself

  1. Ch. IIIFull tanks and different anglesWhy some reactions are bigger than their cause, and the angle you tend to see things from.free
  2. Ch. IVTwo kinds of fairLetting a comment land before you react to it.free
  3. StoriesStories from Philosophy: Knowing yourselfThe Second Arrow, the Ship of Theseus and What Is Up to Us: old stories that act as honest mirrors.free

Also works on your own: log your own week with WP-01, untangle a reaction with WP-09, or map your side of a moment in the Carrier Wave Decoder. More on self-discovery

Part 2

Relationship tools: for any two people

Shared tools for partners, family, friends, roommates, co-parents, coworkers and caregivers. Each person fills in their own side, then you read them together.

The book, Part One: The most important, yourself

  1. ThenWhere you came fromWhere your lens came from: growing up, old rules, and what life taught you.free
  2. NowWho you are todayYour wiring, your weather and your words, and what is fair to you.free
  3. NextWho you are becomingWhat matters to you, one small goal, tiny steps and a kind monthly look at yourself.free

The book, Part Two: Between us

  1. PrefacePreface to Part Two: The work nobody seesWhy the unseen work of a shared life builds up like a debt only one person can see.free
  2. Ch. IWhy we get out of tuneHow pace, tone and urgency knock two reasonable people out of sync, and how to get back in tune.free
  3. Ch. IIIs the split working?A simple formula for whether the current split of work is sustainable. It judges the arrangement, never a person.free
  4. Ch. IVTwo kinds of fairAgreeing up front how the two of you will judge what’s fair.free
  5. Ch. VThe monthly look-backWhy a monthly look back catches the problems weekly check-ins miss.free

The book, Part Three: Understanding people

How people work, for anyone: on your own, at home, with friends, at work and in your community. Each chapter has a short version and a full one.

  1. Ch. 1How feelings workSignals from the body, why naming a feeling helps, and feelings about feelings.freeDig deeper
  2. Ch. 2Stress and the nervous systemYour body getting ready, the calm, revved up and running on empty ladder, flooding, and the rest that helps you recover.freeDig deeper
  3. Ch. 3How we see each otherWhy perception is a best guess, the stories we fill gaps with, everyday bias, and asking instead of guessing.freeDig deeper
  4. Ch. 4How communication worksHow meaning is made between two people, listening, checking, saying hard things kindly and repairing mix-ups.freeDig deeper
  5. Ch. 5Attachment, trust and belongingWhy belonging is a basic need, how early bonds shape what we expect, and how trust grows and is rebuilt.freeDig deeper
  6. Ch. 6Habits and changeWhy change is hard, how habits run on cues, and how tiny steps and a kinder setup help change last.freeDig deeper
  7. Ch. 7Self-worth, shame and self-compassionWhy worth is not a score, how shame differs from guilt, and how self-compassion helps you own mistakes and grow.freeDig deeper
  8. Ch. 8Loss, grief and big life changesGrief in waves, not stages, losses nobody sees, staying connected to who you lost, and big life changes.freeDig deeper
  9. Ch. 9Minds that work differentlyAutism, ADHD, sensory and learning differences, masking and energy, and meeting in the middle at home and work.freeDig deeper
  10. Ch. 10Values, meaning and a good lifeWhat values are, how to find yours, when two good things clash, and what philosophy offers everyday life.freeDig deeper
  11. Ch. 11Healing after hurtRepair after small ruptures, apologies that land, what forgiveness is and isn’t, and when to get more help.freeDig deeper
  12. Ch. 12Helping others wellAsk what help is wanted, listen first, keep kind limits, help in a crisis, and look after yourself so you last.freeDig deeper
  13. Ch. 13Anger: what it’s for and what to do with itWhat anger is for, steps for the hot minutes, why venting backfires, how to repair, and when anger becomes harm.freeDig deeper
  14. Ch. 14Personality, temperament and change across lifePersonality as dials, not boxes: temperament, introverts and extraverts, and how people change with age.freeDig deeper
  15. Ch. 15Closeness and loveLove in many forms, intimacy as being known, feeling understood, and love across ages and relationship types.freeDig deeper
  16. Ch. 16Worry, low mood and traumaHow anxiety works, low mood vs depression, trauma, what helps and where to get help.freeDig deeper
  17. Ch. 17Fitting in: groups, influence and cultureConformity, obedience, us and them, culture, and disagreeing kindly.freeDig deeper
  18. AfterwordWhat the book adds up toSix threads through the book, and where to go from here.freeDig deeper

Keeping it warm

  1. GuideHow the languages fit togetherSix layers from you outward, and what to reach for when.free
  2. GuideTouchstonesThe shared words, jokes and rituals that say we are us.free
  3. GuideApology languagesSaying sorry so it lands.free
  4. GuideAppreciation at workFive ways people like to be thanked at work.free
  5. GuideLove languages: a menu, not a labelWhat is healthy and unhealthy about each of the five, and how to practice them.free
  6. GuideComplacencyWhy “it’s fine” stops being checked, and small ways to look again.free
  7. GuideTurning TowardSeven small, everyday ways to feel closer.free
  8. GuideCheck-insOne topic at a time, with no overload, no blame and no criticism.free

Talk it through

  1. NewWiring CardFill in how you receive words, what silence means, and how a request should be phrased. Print it or copy it.free
  2. NewThe Chat analyzerPick how each of you is wired, type a phrase, and see how it might land and how to say it more clearly. Or paste a whole thread to see where it turned.free
  3. GuideWired DifferentlyHow different neurotypes receive the same words, with examples for every wiring.free
  4. GuideCheck-insOne topic at a time, with no overload, no blame and no criticism of the person. Start by saying you're not against them, then follow the steps in order.free
  5. GuideTurning TowardSeven small, everyday ways to feel closer, with a new idea to try each day.free
  6. GuideComplacencyWhy “it’s fine” stops being checked, in you and in every kind of relationship.free
  7. GameThe Re-check DriveA calm football game: real, kind actions move the ball toward a field goal.free
  8. ToolThe Carrier Wave DecoderA guided session for the moment a conversation goes sideways: find what slipped, settle, and try again.free
  9. WP-09Say it so it landsTurn a raw reaction into fact, feeling and a clear ask before you send it.free
  10. ToolSoften a tense moment: introductionHow to shift the feel of a tense shared moment, with one worked example.free
  11. ToolSoften a tense moment: full toolkitFive scenarios across different relationships, and a four-week practice plan.free

Share the work fairly

  1. ToolThe Lemonade StandList the week’s tasks and each person’s hours, and see the split as you type.free
  2. WP-01Who did what, and kind ways to say noA week’s log of who actually did what, plus kind scripts for saying no.free
  3. WP-03One owner per jobOne named owner for every recurring task, so it stops being renegotiated.free
  4. WP-04What keeps coming back?A monthly review that sorts repeat problems into their real causes.free
  5. CALC-01Is the setup working for everyone?Enter your workpaper numbers and get one plain read on whether the arrangement holds up.free
  6. CALC-02Look back over 30 daysThen and now: who did what, rescues, load and ownership. See what shifted, what didn’t, and one next step.free
  7. Fill-inFill-in workpapersType straight into the worksheets and save them as PDFs on your device.free

Stay in step

  1. WP-1390-second daily check-inA 90-second daily check-in, with no debate, that keeps small things small.free
  2. WP-12Same moment, different speedsWhen one of you wants to sort it now and the other needs time: map the gap, then agree one small fix.free
  3. WP-14Is it us, or is it everything else?A one-week log that keeps outside pressure apart from friction between you.free
  4. WP-15Keep your little rituals aliveEvery few months: which shared rituals are alive, fading or stopped, and one to restart.free
  5. ToolFrequency Sync VisualizerA live picture of how a regular check-in keeps two people in step.free
  6. PROG-01The 6-Week ProgramA guided path through the workpapers, one at a time, ending with a before-and-after read.free
  7. REPORT-01The Full ReadYour week-by-week record, so progress builds instead of resetting.free
Part 3

By relationship type

Where to start in each kind of relationship, and every relationship tool that fits it. Each person also brings their own Part 1 self-discovery tools. The full map, with a real-life example for each, is on How it fits your relationships.

Optional

Email updates

Everything above is already open to everyone. If you’d like, leave your email to hear about new chapters and tools. No account or password.

  • Everything is free and open. Every chapter, all ten workpapers, both calculators, your week-by-week progress record, the six gentle weeks and the full tools, with no sign-up.
  • A note when something new goes live. An email when new chapters, workpapers and calculators go live, and when what's already here is improved.
  • Nothing is charged. There is no paid version and no account.

Buttondown, our newsletter service, holds your email address and uses it only for program updates. You can unsubscribe from any email. More about the ways in

Everything else on the site (tools, audio, the story behind it, and policies) is in the Site Directory at the bottom of this page. The All pages button at the top of every page lists it all too.

Resources

Site Directory

Everything else on spreadloveandacceptance.com, grouped by what it’s for. The chapters and workpapers are listed in Contents above.

Start here

New to the site? These explain the idea and let you try it in a few minutes.

  1. Is this right for you?What the program is and isn’t, who it helps, the ways in, and a guide to every section of the site.
  2. GuideWired DifferentlyHow 14 kinds of wiring, from neurotypical to autistic, ADHD, anxious and highly sensitive, receive the same words, and how to talk across the difference.
  3. GuideTurning TowardSeven small, everyday ways to feel closer to the people who matter to you.
  4. GuideComplacencyWhy “it’s fine” stops being checked, and the small re-checks that keep things alive.
  5. GameThe Re-check DriveA calm football game made from the complacency playbook.
  6. GuideCheck-insHow to hold a hard conversation in any relationship: a calm time and place, acknowledgment before any reply, and a close that works for both.
  7. How it fits your relationshipsHow every chapter, workpaper and tool connects to yourself, partners, family, co-parents, friends, roommates, coworkers and caregivers.
  8. Today’s WeatherA one-minute read on your own conditions today.
  9. The Lemonade StandA tally of who did what this week.
  10. The Frequency FrameworkWhy two reasonable people can end up in a fight neither of them started, in plain language.
  11. Executive summaryThe whole framework on one printable page. Opens in a new tab.

Tools

Interactive pages. Everything you type stays in your own browser.

  1. NewThe Chat analyzerTest how a sentence may land for someone wired differently before you say it. Runs in your browser; nothing you type is saved or sent.
  2. ToolWiring CardMake a one-page card on how you receive words, what your silence means, and what to avoid.
  3. ToolThe Carrier Wave DecoderA guided session for the moment a conversation starts going sideways.
  4. CALC-01Is the setup working for everyone?See whether the current split of work looks sustainable, from your workpaper numbers.
  5. CALC-02Look back over 30 daysFour weeks side by side: the running imbalance, what shifted, and one next step.
  6. Soften a tense momentThe core idea and one worked example. The full toolkit is open too.
  7. Try the WorkpapersA playground for test-driving the worksheets before you commit to anything.
  8. NewChat with Professor PuddlesAsk a question in your own words and get an answer made only from this site’s pages.

Explore, play & listen

Lighter ways in, the calm games, and optional audio. No workpaper requires audio.

  1. GamesPause & PlayAll the calm games in one place: the Night Garden, the Frequency Journey, word games and a breathing break.
  2. What’s newEverything newly added and everything that’s grown, in one place.
  3. Diagnostic SnapshotA two-minute check on where things stand right now.
  4. Stories from PhilosophyTwelve real stories, from Plato and the Buddha to Zhuangzi and Buber, on knowing yourself and living well with others, each tied to the part of the program it sheds light on.
  5. Brain BreakersThree instrumental pieces to see and feel.
  6. Echoes of GoldThe companion album: the music that came before the framework.

About & status

Who built this and why, and exactly what’s finished.

  1. About the creatorThe auditor, the story, and why this framework exists.
  2. Program OverviewHow the chapters, workpapers and calculators fit together.
  3. Suite IndexThe official list of what’s built today. If it isn’t listed there, it isn’t live yet.
  4. Content RoadmapWhat’s live, and what comes next.
  5. Rollout StatusWhat is live today, counted plainly.
  6. Email updatesOptional: a short note when something new goes live.

Legal

The site’s terms and policies.

  1. Privacy PolicyWhat’s collected, who holds it, and your rights.
  2. Terms of ServiceThe rules for using the site.
  3. Refund PolicyNothing is sold here, so there is nothing to refund.

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