Say it so it lands: a check before you reply
What it does: a quick self-check before you answer something that stung. What you get: your reply as a fact, a feeling and one kind ask. About 5 minutes
A quick, kind self-check to run before you answer something that stung, so what you say is something the other person can actually hear.
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It is a check on your own next message.
Nothing is recorded and nobody else’s voice is analyzed. Each of you uses it on yourself.
Dig deeper: what it is for -
Before you speak, find three things.
The fact, in one sentence with no adjectives. The feeling underneath, like tired or unseen. And the ask: what you want to happen next. If your sentence is a judgment on the person, like “you always,” pause and swap it for one fact and one ask.
Dig deeper: sorting out what you want to say -
Before you react, weigh what you heard.
Is it about a specific task? Would it read the same if you weren’t already stretched? Could a neutral meaning fit? Are you answering their words, or an old argument? If you are stretched or unsure, pause first.
Dig deeper: weighing what you heard -
See it in action.
“You never think about anyone but yourself” becomes: the bin wasn’t out before pickup, I feel a bit unseen, can we pick a fixed day for it?
Dig deeper: the worked example -
Everyday slips get kind words too.
A forgotten task, running late, a half-finished chore, or “I said I’d do it.” Keep to the fact, name the feeling, and ask for something small, like a reminder or a by-when.
Dig deeper: words for everyday slips
Try this: Next time you feel the urge to snap back, write the fact, the feeling and the ask first, even just in your head.
Fill it in on screen and save a PDF →
Then test your ask in the Chat analyzer →
Goes with Chapter I: Why we get out of tune · Do all your sheets in one place
What’s this?
On the full version and on the PDF, this sheet is called WP-09. It puts one of the site’s Five Pillars (the five big ideas everything here is built on) to work: tune how you send and receive: a mismatch is tuning, not a moral failing.