WP-09
Say it so it lands
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This worksheet puts Pillar IV (“Tune how you send and receive”) to work. In you: you notice your own reaction and how you tend to hear things. Between you and others: you shape the message so it lands, and treat a mismatch as tuning, not a moral failing.
Purpose: a practical checklist for "retuning" before you respond. It puts the radio-frequency idea from Chapter I into everyday practice. Nothing is recorded, and nobody's actual voice is analyzed. Each of you uses it as a self-check on your own side of the conversation.
The transducer step — before you speak or send
A transducer is a device that turns one kind of signal into another. Here, it means turning your raw reaction into something the other person can actually take in. Before you respond to something that landed hard, run it through three questions:
- What's the fact underneath this? (One sentence, no adjectives.)
- What's the feeling underneath this? (Name it — frustrated, tired, unseen, rushed.)
- What's the actual ask? (What do you want to happen next, specifically?)
If your sentence is a verdict on the person, stop. "You always" and "you're careless" are criticism, not an ask. They fill the room with tension and suggest a bad motive the other person then has to defend. Swap them for one fact and one ask, and say that you're not against them. The ground rules cover the rest of this. Write all three down before you respond, even if only in your head. A message built from fact, feeling and ask comes across far more clearly than one built from the raw reaction.
You can paste the ask into the Chat analyzer. Put the fact in its facts box, so a verdict doesn't get scored as the whole sentence. If you're about to say it out loud in a planned talk, Check-ins explains the order to follow: each of you acknowledges what the other said before adding your own side.
The filter step — before you react to what they said
The filter works in the other direction. It helps you decide how much weight to give a message you just received, before you respond to it.
| Check | Yes / No |
|---|---|
| Is this about a specific, nameable task or event? | |
| Would I read this the same way if my battery weren't already running high (WP-02)? | |
| Is there a neutral interpretation that also fits what was said? | |
| Am I responding to their words, or to a pattern from a past conversation? |
If your load is running high (WP-02), or a neutral reading still fits, use a neutral refusal or a "not right now" script (WP-01) before you go on.
Worked example
- Raw reaction: "You never think about anyone but yourself."
- Fact: "The trash wasn't taken out before pickup."
- Feeling: "Frustrated, and a little unseen since I mentioned it twice."
- Ask: "Can we agree on a fixed day and time for trash so it's not something I have to keep bringing up?"
The same issue underneath, sent on a frequency the other person can actually tune into.
Everyday slips: forgetting, lateness, half-done jobs
Forgetting, running late and half-finished jobs happen in every home, and they’re nobody’s character flaw. These keep to the fact, name the feeling, and end with a small, concrete ask, often a reminder or a by-when that makes the next time easier for everyone.
A forgotten task, said by the one who forgot
- Fact: “I said I’d call the dentist today, and I forgot.”
- Feeling: “Embarrassed, and I don’t want you to end up carrying it.”
- Ask: “I’ll call at 9 tomorrow. If you see me before then, would one reminder be okay?”
Running late
- Fact: “I got home forty minutes after I said I would, and I didn’t text.”
- Feeling: “Sorry, and a bit flustered.”
- Ask: “From now on I’ll text when I leave, not when I arrive. Would a “leaving now” text help?”
A half-finished chore, from the one who found it
- Fact: “The laundry got washed but it’s still sitting in the machine.”
- Feeling: “A little deflated, since it may need another wash.”
- Ask: “Could the finishing part get its own reminder, like a timer when a load goes in?”
“I said I’d do it”
- Fact: “You said you’d do the dishes, and they’re still there at ten.”
- Feeling: “Unsure whether to wait or just do them myself.”
- Ask: “When one of us says “I’ll do it,” can we add a by-when? Tonight by 9:30, or first thing tomorrow?”