Is it us, or is it everything else?
Also called the Static Dampening Log (WP-14)
What it does: for one week, a line each evening: outside pressure in one column, tense moments between you in another. What you get: a clearer view of what really started the friction, and one plan for the pressure. About a minute a day, plus 15 minutes at the end of the week
A hard month at work, a sick parent, a run of bad nights, and suddenly you’re snapping at each other. It can start to feel like something is wrong between you. Sometimes it is. Often it’s everything else. This one-week log helps you tell which.
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Outside pressure leaks in.
Money, work, health, sleep and family pressure don’t stay outside the front door. Studies of couples find that on stressful days, small things at home land harder. Naming the pressure stops it being blamed on the person next to you.
Dig deeper: what the research says -
Each evening, two columns.
How much outside pressure you had today (none, a little, a lot) and where it came from. Then any tense moment between you, in a few plain words. Each person fills in only their own rows.
Dig deeper: the evening log -
Make a guess, not a verdict.
For each tense moment, mark what it mostly was: outside pressure, between us, some of both, or not sure yet. Your guess can change.
Dig deeper: sorting each moment -
At the end of the week, look for the wrong label.
Which moments came on heavy days? Did one of you read a bad day as “you don’t care”? Write it down kindly. It happens to everyone.
Dig deeper: the end-of-week look -
Make one plan for the pressure.
A way to flag a heavy day (“Rough day, not you”), a few things to go easy on until it passes, and one bit of outside help you could ask for.
Dig deeper: a plan for the pressure
A filled-in example (made up)
Made up · Sunday evening, end of the week
Mel has a deadline at work. Dev’s mum has been in hospital since Tuesday. By Thursday they have bickered about the dishes, dinner and the weekend, and both are quietly wondering what’s gone wrong between them.
| Day | Who | Outside pressure | Where from | Tense moment | Mostly |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Mon | Mel | A lot | Work deadline, bad sleep | Snapped about the dishes | Outside pressure |
| Mon | Dev | A little | Money | ||
| Wed | Mel | A lot | Work deadline | Felt ignored at dinner | Some of both |
Over the whole week, 3 of their 4 tense moments came on a day when one of them had a lot of outside pressure. Their plan: “Rough day, not you” at the door, and simple dinners until the deadline passes. The car argument stays in the “between us” column, for a calmer day.
See the whole example on the full version
Try this: Tonight, before anything else, say one sentence about your day’s outside pressure: “Heads up: the deadline is eating me. If I’m short, it’s not you.”
Fill it in on screen and save a PDF →
Goes with How much are you carrying? · The stress-reducing conversation · Chapter III: Full tanks · Do all your sheets in one place
What’s this?
On the full version and on the PDF, this sheet is called WP-14, the Static Dampening Log. Static is the crackle a radio picks up from outside the signal; damping it means quietening that crackle so you can hear each other again. It puts one of the site’s Five Pillars (the five big ideas everything here is built on) to work: read your state first: outside pressure gets named, not pinned on someone.