From the books

Guides and reading

The guides the books point to, the free online chapters and the research behind them. Everything here is free, needs no sign-up, and what you type stays on your device.

Guides by relationship and topic

• AAdult siblings and family riftsFree, fair help for family rifts between grown siblings: after a loss, a will or years of silence. Short first messages, and kind ways to say “not yet.”PageOpen Adult siblings and family rifts
• AAdult siblings and family rifts: Reaching out after a long silenceFree, fair help for family rifts between grown siblings: after a loss, a will or years of silence. Short first messages, and kind ways to say “not yet.”PageOpen Adult siblings and family rifts: Reaching out after a long silence
• CCaring for someone you loveFree, practical help for caregivers: when the person can’t share the load back, how to ask family for specific help, and where to find respite.PageOpen Caring for someone you love
• CCaring for someone you love: Resentment and guiltFree, practical help for caregivers: when the person can’t share the load back, how to ask family for specific help, and where to find respite.PageOpen Caring for someone you love: Resentment and guilt
• CCo-parenting after a separation: A handoff-bag checklistCalmer co-parenting after a separation: an exchange-day script, keeping kids out of the middle, a tone check for texts, and a parallel-parenting route.PageOpen Co-parenting after a separation: A handoff-bag checklist
• CComing home after time apartFree help for the first weeks after a deployment, work away or a hospital stay: a handover week, finding your place again, and the kids.PageOpen Coming home after time apart
• CComing out as an adultFree help for coming out as an adult: your timing, money first, words for parents, if they cut you off, at work, with a partner, and support.PageOpen Coming out as an adult
• DDifferent hours: nights, shifts, and the one at homeFree help when you work different hours: night shifts and recovery sleep count as work, protected sleep.PageOpen Different hours: nights, shifts, and the one at home
• FFind it by relationshipEvery page on the site in one list, sorted by who it’s for: just you, couples, friends, family, co-parents, roommates, work, life changes and games.PageOpen Find it by relationship
• FFor counselors, coaches and group leadersFor therapists, counselors, coaches and group leaders: what this free self-help site is and isn’t, evidence status, and homework tools.PageOpen For counselors, coaches and group leaders
• FFor grandparents: staying close, and helping without taking overFree, gentle help for grandparents: staying close when your grown child asks for space, sharing childcare fairly, house rules and saying no kindly.PageOpen For grandparents: staying close, and helping without taking over
• FFor grown-up children: boundaries with a parent you loveFree, kind help for grown-up children: ask a parent to text before visiting, handle unasked-for advice, the new baby, in-laws and vacations.PageOpen For grown-up children: boundaries with a parent you love
• FFor parents: Helping kids name and handle big feelingsFree, gentle help for parents: name big feelings, calm sibling fights, simple calm-down routines for kids, talking with teens, and a cartoon to watch.PageOpen For parents: Helping kids name and handle big feelings
• FFor parents: raising kind, steady kidsFree, gentle help for parents: name big feelings, calm sibling fights, simple calm-down routines for kids, talking with teens, and a cartoon to watch.PageOpen For parents: raising kind, steady kids
• FFor teachers: free lessons on feelings and communicationFree pages for teachers and youth leaders: lessons on feelings and communication, printable handouts with teen versions, projector tips.PageOpen For teachers: free lessons on feelings and communication
• FFor teens: Big feelings, stress and your own wiringFree, private help for teens: getting along with parents or caregivers, a parent who is away, friend drama, big feelings and healthy dating.PageOpen For teens: Big feelings, stress and your own wiring
• FFor teens: Friends, drama and the group chatFree, private help for teens: getting along with parents or caregivers, a parent who is away, friend drama, big feelings and healthy dating.PageOpen For teens: Friends, drama and the group chat
• FFor teens: when home, friends and feelings get loudFree, private help for teens: getting along with parents or caregivers, a parent who is away, friend drama, big feelings and healthy dating.PageOpen For teens: when home, friends and feelings get loud
• FFriends: If you’re the one waiting, always reaching outFree, kind help when a friendship drifts: for the friend who always reaches out and the one who went quiet after a baby or a hard year.PageOpen Friends: If you’re the one waiting, always reaching out
• FFriends: when a friendship driftsFree, kind help when a friendship drifts: for the friend who always reaches out and the one who went quiet after a baby or a hard year.PageOpen Friends: when a friendship drifts
• GGaming, phones and time togetherFair, free help when one of you games or scrolls a lot: heads-ups, bids between matches, a protected evening.PageOpen Gaming, phones and time together
• GGaming, phones and time together: make a dealFair, free help when one of you games or scrolls a lot: heads-ups, bids between matches, a protected evening.PageOpen Gaming, phones and time together: make a deal
• KKids grown and gone: when the house is quiet between youFree help in plain English for couples whose children have grown and left home: small daily habits, care shown by doing, and questions to ask each other.PageOpen Kids grown and gone: when the house is quiet between you
• LLeading a group: a six-session guideA free six-session guide for church small groups, couples’ classes and community groups: session outlines.PageOpen Leading a group: a six-session guide
• LLong-distance and apartFree, practical help for couples living apart: time zones, check-ins on video, a call rhythm you agree, small bids, short texts, and visits and goodbyes.PageOpen Long-distance and apart
• MMore than two partners at homeFree help for triads and homes with more than two partners: share the planning, join a home that ran before you.PageOpen More than two partners at home
• NNeurodivergent relationships: ADHD, autistic and AuDHD couples and familiesPractical tips for ADHD, autistic and AuDHD couples and families: communication differences, sensory overload at home, plans, chores and kind feedback.PageOpen Neurodivergent relationships: ADHD, autistic and AuDHD couples and families
• NNeurodivergent relationships: Common communication differencesPractical tips for ADHD, autistic and AuDHD couples and families: communication differences, sensory overload at home, plans, chores and kind feedback.PageOpen Neurodivergent relationships: Common communication differences
• NNeurodivergent relationships: Sensory overload at homePractical tips for ADHD, autistic and AuDHD couples and families: communication differences, sensory overload at home, plans, chores and kind feedback.PageOpen Neurodivergent relationships: Sensory overload at home
• NNew baby, sharing the loadA three-step way for new parents to split the baby jobs and the invisible ones: list every job, give each one owner, and review it ten minutes a week.PageOpen New baby, sharing the load
• OOn my own after a breakup or divorceFree, gentle help after a breakup or divorce: the first weeks, loneliness, money, rebuilding a life, and part-time parenting when the kids are with you.PageOpen On my own after a breakup or divorce
• OOn my own after a breakup or divorce: Loneliness and friendsFree, gentle help after a breakup or divorce: the first weeks, loneliness, money, rebuilding a life, and part-time parenting when the kids are with you.PageOpen On my own after a breakup or divorce: Loneliness and friends
• RRaising someone else’s child: grandparents, relatives, foster and adoptive caregiversFree help for grandparents and relatives raising a child (kinship care), foster caregivers and adoptive parents: behavior, house rules and contact visits.PageOpen Raising someone else’s child: grandparents, relatives, foster and adoptive caregivers
• RRetired and both home nowFree, practical help when retirement puts you both at home all day: territory and routines, re-dividing whole jobs, handing over kindly.PageOpen Retired and both home now
• TTwo faiths or cultures, one familyFair help for interfaith and mixed-culture families: decide names, rituals and upbringing together, tell both families, and plan festivals on one calendar.PageOpen Two faiths or cultures, one family
• WWhen a child has ADHD: for parents and grandparentsPlain, free help when a child has ADHD: it is real, not bad behavior. Words for fidgeting and forgetting, one instruction at a time, routines and screens.PageOpen When a child has ADHD: for parents and grandparents
• WWhen a child has ADHD: Routines, changes and screensPlain, free help when a child has ADHD: it is real, not bad behavior. Words for fidgeting and forgetting, one instruction at a time, routines and screens.PageOpen When a child has ADHD: Routines, changes and screens
• WWhen one of you is ill or disabledFree help for couples when one partner lives with a chronic illness or disability: share the load by energy, not hours, plan for bad days.PageOpen When one of you is ill or disabled
• WWhen you’ve lost someone: A new chapter on your ownGentle, free help after a loss: grieving differently in one family, reconnecting with grown children, and starting a new chapter.PageOpen When you’ve lost someone: A new chapter on your own
• WWhen you’ve lost someone: grief, a new chapter, and staying closeGentle, free help after a loss: grieving differently in one family, reconnecting with grown children, and starting a new chapter.PageOpen When you’ve lost someone: grief, a new chapter, and staying close

The book, free online

• AAnger: what it’s for and what to do with itAnger in full: signal, body, the hot minutes, venting, stepping back, saying it, repair and harm, through psychology, philosophy and an autistic lens.PageOpen Anger: what it’s for and what to do with it
• AAttachment, trust and belongingBelonging in full: the need to belong, attachment, trust, safe havens, masking and rebuilding trust, through psychology, philosophy and an autistic lens.PageOpen Attachment, trust and belonging
• CCloseness and loveLove in full: its many forms, being known, responsiveness, attachment, love over time and across ages, through psychology, philosophy and an autistic lens.PageOpen Closeness and love
• FFitting in: groups, influence and cultureGroups in full: Asch and Milgram with honest replication notes, social identity, norms, culture with care, family culture, online groups and kind dissent.PageOpen Fitting in: groups, influence and culture
• FFull tanks and different anglesChapter III in full: two self-report tools for how much of a reaction is leftover stress, and which of seven angles each person is seeing a moment from.PageOpen Full tanks and different angles
• HHabits and changeHabits and change in full: cues, tiny steps, setup over willpower, mixed feelings, slips and values, through psychology, philosophy and an autistic lens.PageOpen Habits and change
• HHealing after hurtChapter 11 in full: repair, apology, forgiveness and trust through psychology, philosophy and an autistic lens, with examples, exercises and an FAQ.PageOpen Healing after hurt
• HHelping others wellChapter 12 in full: support, listening, compassion, boundaries and burnout through psychology, philosophy and an autistic lens, with examples and an FAQ.PageOpen Helping others well
• HHow communication worksCommunication in full: meaning, two layers, listening, checking, hard talks, repair, texts and styles, through psychology, philosophy and an autistic lens.PageOpen How communication works
• HHow feelings workFeelings in full: signals, the body, naming, finer words, layers, waves and urges, through psychology, philosophy and an autistic lens, with exercises.PageOpen How feelings work
• HHow we see each otherPerception in full: attention, stories and memory, attribution, bias, naive realism and groups, through psychology, philosophy and an autistic lens.PageOpen How we see each other
• IIs the split working?Chapter II in full: a self-reflection tool that reads whether the household workload split looks like it can last, counting time.PageOpen Is the split working?
• KKnow yourself: next, shaping who you are becomingPart One, Next, in full: values first, one small goal, what gets in the way, tiny repeatable steps, if-then plans, asking for support and a kind monthly.PageOpen Know yourself: next, shaping who you are becoming
• KKnow yourself: now, your wiring, your weather and your wordsPart One, Now, in full: wiring and conditions, how you like to be spoken to, reading your state, a four-step self-check, kind limits and how much to share.PageOpen Know yourself: now, your wiring, your weather and your words
• KKnow yourself: then, where your lens came fromPart One, Then, in full: the three layers of a reaction, the lens idea, how it forms, old answers and fairer readings.PageOpen Know yourself: then, where your lens came from
• LLoss, grief and big life changesGrief in full: the research, what philosophers and traditions say, an autistic lens on loss and change, worked examples and exercises.PageOpen Loss, grief and big life changes
• MMinds that work differentlyAutism, ADHD, sensory and learning differences in full: the research, the philosophy of difference and disability, autistic voices, examples and exercises.PageOpen Minds that work differently
• PPersonality, temperament and change across lifePersonality in full: traits, temperament, situations, energy, change with age and on purpose, through psychology, philosophy and an autistic lens.PageOpen Personality, temperament and change across life
• SSelf-worth, shame and self-compassionSelf-worth and shame in full: the psychology, the philosophy and an autistic lens, with worked examples, exercises and kind words for hard moments.PageOpen Self-worth, shame and self-compassion
• SStress and the nervous systemStress in full: appraisal, the ladder, flooding, load that adds up, settling and kinds of rest, through psychology, philosophy and an autistic lens.PageOpen Stress and the nervous system
• TThe book, free onlineEvery chapter of the series, free to read, with an expanded version.PageOpen The book, free online
• TThe monthly look-backA monthly look-back that catches the gaps weekly check-ins keep patching, and fixes the arrangement, not either person.PageOpen The monthly look-back
• TThe work nobody seesThe full Preface: every home keeps a set of books nobody agreed to. Why the invisible work of a shared life matters.PageOpen The work nobody sees
• TTwo kinds of fairTwo kinds of fair: agreeing which kind of fair your household uses, and giving a comment time to land before you react to it.PageOpen Two kinds of fair
• VValues, meaning and a good lifeChapter 10 in full: values, meaning and flourishing through psychology, philosophy and an autistic lens, with worked examples, exercises and an FAQ.PageOpen Values, meaning and a good life
• WWhat the book adds up toThe afterword in full: the three parts, six threads, how the book used evidence, why more than one lens, what a book can’t do, and where to go next.PageOpen What the book adds up to
• WWhy we get out of tuneChapter I in full: a radio-tuning picture of why two kind people fall out of step, how pace and tone create static, and the steps for getting back in tune.PageOpen Why we get out of tune
• WWorry, low mood and traumaWorry, low mood and trauma in full: anxiety and avoidance, worry time, depression, behavioral activation, sleep, trauma-informed care, therapy and help.PageOpen Worry, low mood and trauma

Research and more

• FFamily, money and life changes: In-laws and extended familyPlain-language research on family life, money talks, co-parents, holidays, in-laws and the big transitions of life, and how to share the load through them.PageOpen Family, money and life changes: In-laws and extended family
• PPhilosophy for everyday life: The Circles of HieroclesTwelve real stories from philosophy on knowing yourself and living well with others, retold in plain language and linked to the chapters and worksheets.PageOpen Philosophy for everyday life: The Circles of Hierocles
• TThe logic behind it: why a reaction makes senseWhy a reaction that looks odd, rude or over the top can make sense: the logic, an analogy, the other side, and one kind step. Both ways, free and private.PageOpen The logic behind it: why a reaction makes sense
• TThe research behind this siteThe studies, books and reviews behind this free self-help site: what each found, in plain words, how strong the evidence is, and a link to read more.PageOpen The research behind this site