Guide · Foster, adoptive and kinship families
Foster, adoptive and kinship families: caring for a child who has been through a lot
This page is for foster carers, adoptive parents, and grandparents, aunts, uncles and other relatives who are raising a child. Nobody here is to blame: not you, not the child, and not the parent who can’t be there right now. You are doing a big job, often with little thanks.
Raising a grandchild or a relative’s child
If you are raising your grandchild, niece, nephew or a younger brother or sister full-time, on your own or with a partner, you are the parent figure now. You set the house rules. Advice written for babysitting grandparents (“their house, their rules”) does not fit you.
It is a lot to hold. You may be a grandparent and a parent at once. You may be grieving the retirement you planned, and worrying about your own child at the same time. You can love your child and still be angry with them. All of that can be true together.
Talking about a parent who can’t be there
If the child’s parent is ill, in prison, or in treatment for drinking or drugs, children often wonder if it was their fault. Tell them the truth in words that fit their age. Say again and again that it was not because of them.
- It’s not their fault, and they can’t fix it.
- It’s okay to miss their parent and be angry with them, sometimes in the same hour.
- Speak kindly about the parent, even when you are hurt. “Mum is ill and getting help” is honest and kind.
- Only promise what you can keep. “I don’t know when Mum will be home. I do know I’ll be here.”
Words you could use
“Mum’s getting help for an illness that makes it hard to stop drinking. It’s not because of anything you did.”
“You can miss her and be cross with her. Both are allowed here.”
“I’m your nan, and right now I’m also the one who sets the rules. I’ll always tell you why.”
Doing this on your own? The house rules list works for one carer and one young person, and Looking after the carer and Where to get support are written for you too.
If a teen says something like “You’re not my mum,” try not to take the bait. It is usually grief talking. “No, I’m not. I’m the one who’s here, and I love you” is enough.
Money and practical help
Many relatives start caring in a hurry, with no plan and no money set aside. Ask early about financial help, school support and legal arrangements. The rules differ by country and area, so ask a kinship advice service or your local children’s services. You don’t have to work it all out alone.
When a child pushes you away
A child who has moved homes before has often learned that adults leave. So they may test you: break rules, say hurtful things, or act as if they don’t care. Pushing you away is often a test of whether you’ll stay. It is not a sign that you are failing.
- Stay calm and stay steady. The same rules, the same routines, the same warm voice, day after day.
- Separate the child from the behaviour. You can say no to the behaviour and still say yes to them.
- Expect setbacks after big days. A review meeting, a birthday, a visit or a school change can stir up old feelings.
- Trust takes months, sometimes years. Small, kept promises build it faster than big speeches.
Words you could use
“You can be angry with me. I’m still here, and I’m not going anywhere because of this.”
“That’s not okay in our house. And you’re still welcome at the dinner table tonight.”
Two carers, one approach
Caring on your own? Skip the comparing. Write your three most important rules, with the why for each, and go straight to House rules.
It is very common for one carer to be firmer and the other warmer. Both are care: one wants safety and predictability, the other wants the child to feel heard. The trouble starts when the child hears two different rulebooks. Try this on a calm evening, without the child:
- Each of you writes your top three non-negotiable rules. Only three.
- Compare. Keep the ones you share. Talk about the rest, and agree which ones the child will hear.
- Agree who holds each rule. One of you leads on bedtime, the other on homework. The other backs them up.
- Disagree in private. In front of the child, you are on the same side.
- Look again in two weeks. What is working? What needs to change?
Words you could use
“I think you’re being too soft” → “I worry she’ll feel unsafe without clear limits. Can we pick three we both hold?”
“I’ll back you up on the phone rule. Can you take the lead on it?”
For a calm way to have that talk, see Check-ins. For the bigger picture, the Library has a short piece on parenting styles.
House rules, with the why written in
Children who have lived with many sets of rules need to know why a rule exists. A rule with a reason feels like care. A rule without one can feel like control. A few examples:
- Phones downstairs at 10 on school nights, because sleep makes everything easier.
- Homework before games, because then the evening is yours.
- Tell us where you are going and when you’ll be back, because we worry, not because we don’t trust you.
- Everyone does one job after dinner, because this is your home too, not a hotel.
- No hitting, no breaking things, because everyone here gets to feel safe, you included.
A “House rules for us” list. Write the rules down together: phone time, homework, chores and bedtime, with a line for why each one matters to each of you. Let the young person suggest changes (“11 on weekends, 10 on school nights?”). You can use the free one owner per job list for this, and send it to their phone with “Share this list” so they can send their version back.
Sharing the meetings, paperwork and feelings work
Caring for a child in care comes with a second job most people never see: social worker visits, reviews and meetings, the daily log, school meetings, contact arrangements, and being there after a hard day. If you’re fostering, the meetings, logs and emotional work count as real jobs too.
Often one carer ends up with most of it, without anyone deciding that. Write every job down, then give each one an owner. A weekly meeting is heavier than replying to a school email, so look at the weight, not just the number of jobs.
- One owner per jobList the jobs, including “Caring for a child in care” ones, give each one an owner, and share the list between your phones.
- The Lemonade StandNote who did what this week, and see the split as a plain picture, with no blame.
Words you could use
“Could you take the evening calls and one meeting a month? I’ll keep the daily log.”
Contact visits and the evening after
Seeing a parent or family member can bring up love, hope, anger and disappointment all at once. The evening after is often the hardest part.
- Keep that evening light. A favourite meal, a film, no big talks and no new rules.
- Don’t ask for a full report. Let them tell you if and when they want to.
- Never criticise their family. Even when you are upset about what happened. They may hear it as criticism of them.
- If a visit is cancelled, say it plainly and kindly, and don’t promise the next one will happen.
Words you could use
“Visits can bring up a lot. You don’t have to talk about it. I’m around if you want to.”
Talking about it: with the child, the team and each other
A child who has been hurt may hear a raised voice as danger, or a question as a test. And you talk with far more people than most parents do: social workers, teachers, therapists and the child’s family. It is a lot of talking, often on little sleep.
- Talk side by side, and briefly. In the car or while cooking. Short and calm beats a big sit-down talk.
- Name the feeling, not the fault. “That looked really hard” helps more than “Why did you do that?”
- Say what will happen next. Surprises can feel unsafe, so keep promises small and kept.
- Bring notes to meetings. What you’ve seen, with dates, and two or three questions. Before you leave, ask who will do what, and by when.
- Debrief with your co-carer after a hard day, and agree what the child will hear.
Words you could use
To the child: “You’re not in trouble. I just want to understand. We can talk now or later. You choose.”
At a meeting: “I’ve written down three things I’ve noticed this month. Could we agree who follows up on each one?”
Before a hard talk, check your own state with Where am I right now? To see a moment from the child’s side, or a birth parent’s, try See it from their side. More: Effective communication: foster and kinship → · with professionals →
Bonding tips, at the child’s pace
A child who has been let down may not trust closeness at first, and hugs or “I love you” can feel like too much, too soon. Bonding often grows best through steady, low-pressure time, where the child decides how close to come.
- Be predictable before you try to be close. The same breakfast, the same goodnight words, doing what you said you would. Feeling safe comes first, and warmth grows from it.
- Try side-by-side time. Baking, a jigsaw, a drive, kicking a ball. Many children talk more when nobody is looking at them.
- Let them choose how to be close. Offer a hug, a high five or a wave, and let them pick. A “no” is fine, and your warmth stays the same.
- Make room for their story. A life story book, a photo of their family on the shelf, their old traditions kept alive. Feeling at home with you doesn’t mean forgetting where they came from.
- Start one small ritual that is “ours”. A silly goodnight phrase, Friday film night, a mug that is theirs. Small, repeated things say “you belong here”.
- Play younger if they need to. A child who missed out may enjoy games, stories or care that seem young for their age. That is okay.
Words you could use
“I’m making pancakes. You can help, or just sit with me. Either is good.”
Closeness is offered, never demanded. A child doesn’t owe you affection or thanks, and trust often grows faster once they know that.
More ideas: Bonding, how closeness grows → · Get an idea now
Looking after the carer
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Being steady for a child who tests you is tiring, and so is being the one who does the feelings work.
- Take turns being “on”. One evening off each a week, even just an hour.
- Tell each other what you did today, including the parts nobody saw.
- Find people who get it: a carers’ group, a support line, or another family like yours.
- Check your own tank before a hard day with Today’s Weather.
Where to get support
Your social worker or agency is the first place to ask about training, respite, support groups and money.
In the UK
- Kinship (kinship.org.uk) for relatives raising children.
- The Fostering Network (thefosteringnetwork.org.uk) for foster carers, and Adoption UK (adoptionuk.org) for adoptive families.
- Adfam (adfam.org.uk) for families affected by drugs or alcohol.
- For the young person: Childline 0800 1111, or text SHOUT to 85258. In danger: 999.
In the US
- Ask your local child welfare agency about kinship navigator programs, or dial 211 for local help. AARP has free guides for grandfamilies.
- If a parent is struggling with drink or drugs: Al-Anon and Nar-Anon support families, Alateen is for teens, and the SAMHSA National Helpline is free and open any time: 1-800-662-4357.
- For the young person: call or text 988, or Childhelp 1-800-422-4453. In danger: 911.
Anywhere else: findahelpline.com lists free helplines in your country.
Made for everyday disagreements between people who feel safe with each other. If anyone feels afraid or controlled, private help is here.
More for your situation
- Talking with teensTalking side by side, listening first, and rules with a reason.
- For teens: living with grandparents, family or foster carersA page written to the young person, with private places to get help. You could show it to them.
- When a child has ADHDPlain words for fidgeting, forgetting and one instruction at a time.
- See it from their sideSee a hard moment from the other person’s side, without deciding who was right.
- Upset right now?A five-minute page for when it’s heated.
- For grandparentsFor grandparents who help out, rather than raise the children full-time.
This page shares general ideas, not legal, medical or psychological advice. Your social worker or a kinship advice service can tell you what applies where you live.