Rewind the talk: a step-by-step reset after a talk went wrong
Also called After a talk went wrong, and the Carrier Wave Decoder. “See it from their side” (the Perspective Shifter) is now its Their side step.
What it does: a guided session for after a conversation went sideways: settle, work out what went out of sync, see their side, try again, then check your sentence. What you get: notes on what went out of sync, their side of the moment, a sentence to bridge the gap, a practice script and a short weekly look back. About 15 minutes
For the moments when two reasonable people fall out of sync. Work out what happened, check your state, practice with a guided script, and keep notes on what works. It puts the radio-frequency idea from Chapter I into practice. If you still need to say the hard thing, say it in a check-in, not in the heat of the moment. Stick to one topic, with no blame and no criticism of the person. The ground rules explain how to notice things heating up early, and how to come back. Check your opening sentence in the Chat analyzer before you try again: the last step of a session hands it over for you.
The Decoder puts Pillar IV (“Tune how you send and receive”) to work, and its state check uses Pillar III, Read your state first. In you: you notice your own state and how you are hearing things. Between you and others: you treat a mismatch as tuning, not a moral failing, and find words that land.
One session, start to finish
When a conversation went wrong, work through it in this order. Each step takes a few minutes, and you can skip any of them.
Pick the state that feels closest to how you are right now. Not sure? . These are the same three words used across the site (Clear, Gusty, Fogged in), and they're only everyday names for how you feel, not measurements.
What was out of sync?
Think of one recent moment that started to go wrong, with anyone: a partner, family, a co-parent, a roommate, a coworker, a friend. For each of the three channels, tap where you were, then your best guess at where they were. Pace is how fast you were talking and expecting replies. Tone is what sat underneath the words. Timing is how soon it needed to happen.
Not sure how it works? Load a worked example:
In tune
A way to name it without blame
Their side of the moment
Two people can share the same moment and still see two different things. Step round to the other person’s side: who they are to you, how they’re wired, the state they were in, what was going on around them, and, most often missed, what they could see that you couldn’t.
Tap what might be true for them. Their side builds itself as you go, with questions to check instead of guessing and a sentence to bridge the gap. It never decides who was right. Everything happens on this device; nothing here is kept.
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Why what you can see changes what’s true for you
Most misunderstandings aren’t about different values. They’re about different information. One person saw the message from school; the other didn’t. One person knew the deadline; the other only heard the hurry. Each fills the gaps with what they can see, and the result can look like carelessness, nagging or coldness, when it’s really two people working from two different pictures.
That’s why this step asks three questions about visibility: what only they could see, what only you could see, and what neither of you could. The answers often explain the whole moment before anyone needs to apologize.
Want to go further? Chapter III explains the seven angles this step is built on, Wired Differently goes deeper into how different wiring changes what’s heard, and Wavelength helps you put your own side into words.
Where are you listening from?
Five quick questions. Answer for right now, not for how you usually are. “I can’t tell” is a fine answer.
One-minute retune
Use this before a hard conversation, or in the middle of one. Long exhale helps when you're keyed up. Look around helps when you've gone flat or far away.
About one minute
Build it from fact, feeling, and ask (WP-09)
These buttons always work, whatever the check says.
Things that keep coming up, and a plan for each
When the same thing keeps coming back, log it as a finding. A finding describes the arrangement, never a person, and a plan doesn't start until you've both had a say.
How findings work
- Just noting it
- A one-off with a small effect, often already corrected. Noted, no plan needed.
- Small gap
- A gap that could recur, with a limited effect. A quick fix with a named owner.
- Recurring gap
- Recurring or clearly felt, or several small gaps in one area adding up. A full plan with a target date and a test, reviewed at the weekly wrap-up.
- Stubborn gap
- Your usual repairs aren't catching it: moments stay open, it's a repeat, an agreement was broken, or trust was breached. A priority plan, reviewed monthly with What keeps coming back? (WP-04). Consider a counselor.
- Four parts
- From a small gap up, every finding is written as condition (what happened), criteria (what was expected), cause (what in the arrangement allowed it), and effect (what it cost). The fact and the cause are kept apart, and neither can be a character word.
- Response
- The receiving person logs Agree, Partly agree, or Disagree, in their own words and signed with their name, before a plan can move from Open to In progress. Revising a finding after that asks them to respond again.
- Closing
- A plan is marked fixed with evidence that its test was met, and it closes only after holding through one monthly review. Closed findings become strengths.
A summary for the other person
A printable letter from you to them: what came up, what you're working on, and what would help. You choose what goes in it, and you can read the whole thing below before printing.
If the print window doesn't open here, use your browser's own print command, or open the downloaded copy of this page and print from there.
Your journal
Notes from your practices and moments you've decoded. When you keep your work on this device, everything stays in this browser (never on a server), so anyone else who uses this browser can see it too. Turn saving on or off in the box near the top of the page.
The Carrier Wave Decoder is a tool for reflection, built on the radio-frequency idea in Chapter I. Like the rest of the program, it's a rule of thumb, not a clinical tool or a substitute for therapy, and it measures nothing. Its readings describe the answers you enter, never either person. It's meant for everyday friction between people who feel safe with each other. If anyone feels afraid or controlled, private help is here. Nothing you enter is ever sent to us. Your notes, journal and progress are kept in this tab until you close it, or in this browser if you choose “Keep my work on this device” near the top; you can erase them at any time.