Calm down, together or on your own

Upset right now?

A five-minute calm-down: a pause line, one minute of breathing, then how to come back.

If you’re afraid of the other person, or it isn’t safe, skip this page: see Not safe at home? for people to talk to, or the helplines below.

With another adultWith my child (I’m about to yell, or just did)

Right now: whoever feels it first says the pause line, and says when.

“I want to get this right and I’m too worked up. Can we pick this up at eight?”

Then move apart for twenty minutes and come back on time. All five steps are below. For next time, make a pause plan together.

One phone, two upset people, five minutes. Read a step out loud, or take turns. On your own? The breathing pacer and steps 2 and 3 work just as well for one person, and you can skip the rest. Nothing here asks you to learn anything. Nothing you do is saved, and there is no sign-up.

  1. Say the pause line 10 seconds A pause with a return time is not walking away. Whoever feels it first says it, and also says when.

    “I want to get this right and I’m too worked up. Can we pick this up at eight?”

  2. Let your body settle 1 minute Breathe out longer than you breathe in: in for 4, out for 6.
  3. Move apart for a while 20 minutes or more Different rooms is fine. Drink water, walk, wash your face. Don’t rehearse the argument. A racing heart usually takes about twenty minutes to slow, and nothing said before then lands well. Holding a baby or a child who needs you? Stay in the room, stop talking about the topic, and breathe together with the pacer until things settle; pick the topic up in daylight.
  4. Come back on time the hard part Keeping the return time is what makes the pause safe for the other person.

    “I’m back. The topic is still the sink. I am not against you.”

  5. Say it back, then say yours 5 minutes each First, each of you says what you heard the other say, and checks it: “What I heard is … did I get that right?” Then say yours in three parts: a fact, a feeling and one small ask.

    “When the dishes sat overnight, I felt like I was on my own. Could we pick who does them on weeknights?”

If you are afraid, or it is not safe

This page is for two people who are both safe and both upset. If one of you is afraid of the other, or things have turned physical or controlling, a pause line and a calm talk are not the answer. Please put your safety first.

More people to talk to: Not safe at home?

When it’s you and your child

If you are about to yell at your child, or you just did, this is for you. It happens to loving parents. What matters most is what you do next.

  1. Stop and step back 5 seconds Lower your voice. If your child is small, kneel down to their eye level, or take one step back.
  2. Say what is happening 10 seconds Naming it out loud helps you, and it shows your child what to do with big feelings.

    “I’m getting too loud. I’m going to take a breath.”

  3. Breathe 1 minute In for 4, out for 6. Your child can breathe with you.
  4. Make it right 1 minute Say sorry for the yelling, plainly. You can still keep the rule.

    “I’m sorry I yelled. That wasn’t fair to you. Let’s try again.”

Worried it’s more than a bad moment? See Is yelling abuse? and Getting help for your anger. If your child was frightened, there are words for that too: If your child was frightened.

For more on yelling, sibling fights and calm routines, see the page for parents.

When you are ready for more

Try this: If the same argument keeps coming back, it is usually the setup and not either of you. Try the weekly review when you are both calm.

Share the load, step by step → Back to Start here

Last updated: October 2026