Caregivers
Caring for someone you love
This page is for anyone caring for a parent, a husband, wife or partner, or another person who needs a lot of help. You are doing hard work, much of it unseen. Read the part you need.
- Caring for a partner
- When they can’t share the load
- Grieving someone who is still here
- Moments that aren’t care
- Who can help
- Talking about it
- Resentment and guilt
- Where to get support
Caring for a partner (not a parent)
If the person you care for is your husband, wife or partner, things are often different from caring for a parent. Their energy may go up and down from day to day, with illnesses like ME/CFS, MS, long COVID or chronic pain. What they can do on good days counts, and so does what they plan and handle from bed: the grocery order, the bills, the calendar. You are still two partners sharing a life, with one of you on less energy.
When one of you is ill or disabled is written for both of you: sharing the load by energy, not hours, good-day and bad-day owners, and something gentle to do together on a hard day.
When the person can’t share the load back
A lot of this site is about sharing the work of a home fairly between two people. Caregiving can be different. If the person you care for has dementia, or an illness that gets worse over time, they may not be able to take jobs back. That is not their fault, and it is not yours.
So the fair split is not between you and them. The fair split is between you and everyone else: brothers and sisters, grown children, friends, neighbors, a faith community, and paid help. The question to ask is not “Is he doing his part?” It is “Who else can carry some of this?”
It helps to write down every part of the care, including the thinking work: remembering the pills, booking appointments, watching for changes. Then you can see which parts someone else could own.
Grieving someone who is still here
You may miss the person you knew, even while you sit with them every day. Your mother may not know your name some days. Your husband may not be able to talk with you the way he used to. This is a real loss, and it is normal to grieve it.
Some people call this “ambiguous loss”: the person is here in body, but part of who they were is gone. Other people may not notice it. You can still be sad about it. Feeling grief now does not mean you love them less.
The page When you’ve lost someone has more on grief that comes in waves.
Bonding tips: moments that aren’t care
When every visit is pills, meals and appointments, you can start to feel more like a nurse than a daughter, son or partner. A few moments a day that aren’t care help you both remember who you are to each other.
- Play music from their younger years. Songs often reach people even late in dementia, and singing along can be a real moment together.
- Look through old photos together, and let them tell the stories, even the ones you have heard many times.
- Let them help with what they can. Folding towels, stirring a pot, choosing the flowers. Being useful matters to everyone.
- Keep one small ritual from before: tea at four, the crossword, the Sunday call with the grandchildren.
- Offer gentle touch, if they welcome it: holding hands, brushing their hair, a hand massage with cream.
- If it’s your partner, keep ten minutes a day that is about the two of you, not the care plan.
Words you could use
“Shall we put on your old records and just sit for a bit?”
More ideas: Bonding, how closeness grows → · Get an idea now
Helpers to recruit
People often say “Let me know if you need anything.” It is kind, but hard to use. A specific ask is easier to say yes to. Here are some ideas.
- Adult children who live far away can still help a lot: a set weekly call with the person you care for (for example, every Sunday at 6), paying bills or handling insurance online, booking appointments, paying for a sitter so you can rest, or coming for a visit of a few days so you can have time off.
- Friends can do one regular thing: a meal on Wednesdays, a drive to one appointment, sitting with the person for two hours.
- Neighbors can pick up a prescription, take out the bins, or check in if the lights are off.
- Your faith community may have visitors, meals or volunteers who sit with people at home.
- Paid help and respite care. A home aide for a few hours, an adult day program, or a short stay in a care home so you can rest. Using paid help is not giving up. It is how care lasts.
Words you could use
To an adult child: “Could you take over the insurance calls and call Dad every Sunday at 6? That would give me real breathing room.”
To a friend: “Could you sit with Mom on Thursday afternoon for two hours? I need to see my own doctor.”
The One owner per job sheet helps you give each part of the care one owner, so “whenever I can” becomes a plan.
Talking about it: with the person you care for, family and doctors
Care brings a lot of hard talks: with someone who may be in pain, confused or proud, with brothers and sisters who see things differently, and with busy doctors. And you are usually tired when they happen.
With the person you care for
- One question at a time, in short sentences, and wait for the answer. With memory loss, offer two choices instead of an open question.
- Ask before you help. “Would you like a hand with that?” protects their dignity.
- Answer the feeling, not the facts, if they are confused. “You’re worried about the bus” helps more than “There is no bus.”
With family
- Share the facts, then ask for one thing. A short weekly update by message keeps everyone looking at the same picture.
- Listen to the sibling who sees it differently. Staying away can look like not caring when it is really fear or guilt.
With doctors and care staff
- Bring a written list: your three main questions, and any changes you’ve seen, with dates.
- Write down the answers, and before you leave, ask: “What should we watch for, and who do we call?”
Words you could use
To a sibling: “Here’s how Mom was this week. I need one thing from you: could you take the pharmacy run on Fridays?”
To a doctor: “I have three questions. The first is about her sleep. Is it all right if I write down your answers?”
Check a hard message to family in the Chat analyzer, or see it from your sibling’s side with See it from their side. Too worn down to talk well? Where am I right now? helps you decide whether to wait.
More: Effective communication: for carers → · with doctors and staff →
Resentment and guilt
Many caregivers feel angry or resentful sometimes: at the illness, at family who don’t help, even at the person they care for. Then they feel guilty for feeling that way. These feelings are normal. They are not a failing, and they do not mean you are a bad person. They are usually a sign that you are carrying too much for too long.
What helps:
- Say it to someone safe. A friend, a support group or a counselor. Saying it out loud often makes it lighter.
- Take real breaks. Not only sleep. Something that is just for you, even for an hour a week.
- Ask for one more helper. Resentment often means the load needs to be shared more widely.
Where to get support
- Parkinson’s Foundation Helpline (US): call 1-800-473-4636 (1-800-4PD-INFO), with Spanish-speaking staff. Information and support for people with Parkinson’s and the people who care for them.
- En español: Cuando cuido a alguien que quiero, a short Spanish section for carers.
- Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 Helpline (US): call 800-272-3900, any time, day or night. For any kind of dementia, not only Alzheimer’s. More at alz.org.
- Eldercare Locator (US): call 1-800-677-1116 or visit eldercare.acl.gov to find local services, like meals, transport and respite care.
- Ask his or her doctor, or a hospital social worker, about adult day programs and respite care near you.
- Caregiver support groups meet in person and online. The two lines above can help you find one.
- If it gets too heavy, or you have thoughts of not wanting to be here: in the US, call or text 988, any time. In the UK, call Samaritans free on 116 123, or text SHOUT to 85258, any time. In danger right now, call 911 (US) or 999 (UK).
- Outside the US, findahelpline.com lists free helplines in your country.
Made for everyday disagreements between people who feel safe with each other. If anyone feels afraid or controlled, private help is here.
Tools on this site
- How much are you carrying? A short check of your own battery.
- The Lemonade Stand, in Just me mode: see your own week of work, care and rest on one page.
- The Calm-Down Kit: for the moments you are too tired to talk well.
- Grief and later life: for loss, before or after.
- For a hard evening: the Night Garden, where slow breathing makes flowers bloom, silent and with nothing to win or lose. Or tap the Breathe button in the bottom corner of any page for one quiet minute.
- One owner per job: a list to share with your children, so each of them knows which part of the care is theirs.
This page shares general ideas, not medical, legal or psychological advice.