Guide · Roommates
Sharing a room (dorm or flat)
Sharing one room with someone, often someone you didn’t choose, is a lot. You don’t have to be best friends. You just need a room that works for both of you, so you can sleep, study and relax at home.
Partner always staying over? Start here
Say it once, early, about the room and not the person. Then write it down together.
“Can we talk about guests? I need the room to myself by 11 on weeknights. What works for you?”
“I like having them around sometimes. Could we agree on two nights a week, with a text the day before?”
Our room agreement
This room agreement came to you in a link. Change anything you’d like, then send it back.
We filled in a common starting point. Change anything, together or on your own, then copy it or send the link to your roommate to change. Nothing you type here is sent anywhere or kept. The link carries the agreement inside it.
Your agreement, ready to send:
Copy, Share and the QR code add a link that opens this agreement on their phone, ready for them to change.
Look at it again together after a month. Rules that don’t work can change.
Guests and overnight guests
This is the most common sore spot. One roommate’s partner or friend starts staying over, and slowly the room has three people in it. The roommate who didn’t invite them often says nothing, because it feels rude to ask. Then they dread going home.
It helps to agree three things: how many nights a week someone can stay, how much notice you give, and whether a guest can be in the room when their host isn’t there. Both of you have a right to a home you feel easy in.
Words you could use
“Can we talk about guests? I need the room to myself by 11 on weeknights. What works for you?”
“I like having them around sometimes. Could we agree on two nights a week, with a text the day before?”
Quiet hours and sleep
Different schedules are normal. One of you has an 8am class, the other works late. Pick quiet hours together, and say what “quiet” means: headphones on, calls outside the room, a small lamp instead of the big light.
Little things help a lot: earplugs and an eye mask, phones on silent at night, and getting ready for bed with the door shut softly.
Words you could use
“I’m not sleeping well, and I think it’s the late calls. Could we keep calls outside the room after 11?”
Cleaning
A simple rule works for most rooms: your side is yours, shared space is shared. Then give each shared job one owner, like the bin, the floor, the fridge and the bathroom if you have one. Swap jobs every week if you like. A ten-minute tidy on the same day each week stops small mess from turning into a fight.
For a flat with more people, the roommates guide and the one owner per job list help the whole house.
Borrowing
Agree which things are shared and which are not. Some people are happy to say “help yourself”. Others need to be asked every time. Neither is wrong, but guessing causes trouble. Food is the usual one, so say which shelf, or which snacks, are shared.
Words you could use
“I don’t mind sharing, I just want to be asked first. Is that okay with you?”
Lights, alarms and temperature
Window open or shut, heating up or down, the big light on or off, and how many times the alarm goes off. These sound small, but they happen every day. Pick a middle ground, like a fan for one of you and a blanket for the other, and one alarm with no more than one snooze.
Bonding tips: getting on with a roommate
You don’t have to be best friends. But a little friendliness early on makes the room feel safer, and it makes the hard talks much easier later.
- Have one easy chat in the first week that isn’t about rules: where you’re from, what you’re studying, what you do to relax.
- Learn their routine, not just yours. Early riser or night owl? Exam weeks? Knowing their week stops small things feeling personal.
- Share something small. Snacks, a phone charger, a heads-up about a free event. Small kindness builds goodwill fast.
- Do one thing together now and then, like going to dinner in the dining hall or a show on a laptop. Once in a while is plenty.
- Respect alone time. Headphones on can mean “not now”, and that is fine. Agree a signal so neither of you has to guess.
Words you could use
“I’m heading to dinner in ten minutes. Want to come? Totally fine if you’d rather not.”
More ideas: Bonding, how closeness grows → · Get an idea now
How to bring it up if you hate confrontation
Lots of people would rather put up with something for months than have one awkward talk. But a small, calm talk early is much kinder, to both of you, than a big one later.
- Pick a calm time. Not when they walk in with their guest, and not late at night.
- A text is fine to start: “Can we talk about something small tonight?”
- One topic, and one clear ask. Say what you need and ask what works for them.
- Talk about the room, not the person. “The room is getting crowded” lands better than “You’re so inconsiderate.”
Not sure how your message sounds? Paste it into the Chat analyzer before you send it. Rather start by text? Here is a calm opener you can copy and change:
Hey, can we find ten minutes this week to agree a few room things, like guests staying over? Nothing’s wrong, I’d just rather we sort it early than let it get awkward.
Words you could use
“This is a bit awkward, but I’d rather say it now than let it build up. Can we agree on a few room rules?”
“I’m not upset with you. I just think we never talked about this.”
When they bring something up with you, listen first and say back what you heard before you explain: “So the light after midnight keeps you awake?” If a talk over text went badly, the Chat analyzer shows where it turned. For kind ways to say no to a guest or a loan, see Say no kindly. More: Effective communication: with housemates →
Talking to your RA
If you live in student housing, your RA (resident assistant) is there for exactly this. Helping roommates agree on rules, and sitting in on a hard talk, is part of their job. Asking them is not snitching.
- Usually, try talking to your roommate first, if it feels safe. Then go to your RA if nothing changes, or if you can’t agree.
- Go to your RA straight away if you feel unsafe, if someone won’t leave when asked, if your things are being taken, or if a guest makes you uncomfortable.
- In a rented flat, your tenancy agreement or landlord may have rules about guests. Check those first.
Words you could use
To your RA: “My roommate’s boyfriend stays most nights and I’m not sleeping. I’ve tried to talk about it. Could you help us make a room agreement?”
If a roommate ever threatens you or won’t leave you alone, that isn’t a roommate disagreement: tell residence staff or campus security.
Made for everyday disagreements between people who feel safe with each other. If anyone feels afraid or controlled, private help is here.
Questions roommates often ask
How many nights can a roommate’s partner stay over?
There is no right number. Many roommates settle on one or two nights a week, with notice. What matters is that you both agree, and that neither of you feels like a guest in your own room.
Should I talk to my RA?
Yes, if talking to your roommate hasn’t worked, or if you feel unsafe. Helping roommates make an agreement is part of an RA’s job.
What if my roommate ignores our agreement?
Bring it up once, calmly, and point to what you both wrote. If it keeps happening, ask your RA or housing office to sit down with you both.
More for your situation
- Roommates and housematesA house of three or more: chores, rent and bills.
- The Lemonade StandWho did what this week, with a section that works out who owes whom.
- The Chat analyzerCheck how a tricky message may land before you send it.
- Check-insA short, calm talk about one topic, at a time that suits you both.
- FriendsWhen a friendship drifts, or you are always the one reaching out.
- Upset right now?A five-minute page to pause, breathe and come back.
This page shares general ideas, not legal advice. Your housing or tenancy rules come first.