Also called the Signal Translator
What it does: reads one message you’re about to send, one you got, a whole conversation, or a screenshot of one. What you get: how it may land or what it might mean, and calm, clear words that keep your point. About 2 minutes
It reads the words only, on your device. Nothing you type is saved or sent. Everything below the box is optional.
Three starting points. Each one ends in the checker, so you can see how your words may land before you send them. Nothing you type is saved or sent.
Getting it ready on this device…
Made for everyday disagreements between people who feel safe with each other. If anyone feels afraid or controlled, private help is here.
Made for everyday disagreements between people who feel safe with each other. If anyone feels afraid or controlled, private help is here.
A long thread is easier to paste on a laptop or desktop, where you can select a whole conversation at once. On a phone, copying a few messages at a time works fine, and so does a screenshot.
Private by design. The Chat analyzer runs entirely in your browser. What you paste, and any screenshot, is never saved, collected or sent anywhere, and nobody sees it but you. Close the tab and it’s gone.
Copy the messages from your phone, a chat app or an email, and paste them here. Names at the start of each line help (“Sam: …”), but they’re not required. If there are names, it will ask which one is you.
Write what you’re thinking of sending. It’s checked the same way, as you type.
The list of patterns appears here.
It looks for patterns in words: absolutes like “always” and “never”, sentences about who someone is, dismissals, sarcasm, eye-rolls and passive-aggressive jabs, comparisons, shutting the door without a time to come back, capitals, apologies and other repair attempts, clear asks, questions that may not have been answered, the past being brought in, and long silences when times are included. It weighs them to show where the conversation got heated.
Adding context makes the read fairer. Under “Add context” you can say who they are to you, how they usually write, whether this keeps coming back, how you’re each doing today and what you want from it. The read uses it and shows what it took into account. It still can’t know everything, and one conversation can’t tell you what a relationship is like.
It can’t hear tone of voice, and it doesn’t know your history, your in-jokes, or what either of you meant. The same words can be affectionate between two people and cutting between two others. Use it to slow down and prepare, never as proof of who was right. The program judges arrangements, never people.
A screenshot is read by a text reader on this device. It can miss a word, or an emoji, so the “What I read” box shows exactly what it used.
If someone’s wiring shapes how words land, choose A message I’m about to send above to go deeper on one sentence at a time, and Wired Differently explains why the same words reach people differently.
Type it the way it would actually come out. A text, a work chat message, or something you plan to say out loud.
Replying to:
Reading it for: .
Try an example
It’s a rule-based reader. It looks for patterns in the words (“always,” a bare order, a hint, a joke marker, a threat) and reads them the way a careful person might. It can’t hear a tone of voice, see a face, or know your history together.
On everyday messages it’s right about 9 times in 10. We checked it against messages people labelled by hand, between partners, co-parents, housemates, friends, family and coworkers, written the way people really text. On 101 messages it had never been tuned on, it read how the message may land the same way a person did 92 times. It’s least sure with sarcasm that has no tell-tale words, in-jokes, and lines that only make sense with what came before.
Adding context makes the reading fairer. Under “Add context” you can say who they are to you, how they usually write, whether this keeps coming back, how you’re each doing today and what you want from it. The reading then uses it, and shows what it took into account. It still can’t know everything.
So use it as a second opinion, not a verdict. Check what it says against what you know about the person. One message can’t tell you what a relationship is like.
Leave any of these on "Not sure / skip". Each one only sharpens the reading. What the relationships mean · Situation and room.
How their brain works is set above, under "How their brain works".
The same words land harder on someone who is stressed or worn out (read your state first). Not sure? The thirty-second state check helps.
Needs can differ. One person may need the bond confirmed now. The other may need space before they can think. Both can be cared for. A hug is never owed.
The event, in plain facts, so the sentence is about one thing. "The dishes were still in the sink" is a fact. "You never help" is a criticism of the person.
Only if they have already answered. One reply, not the thread. After you translate, Try the reverse shows how you may read them.
Translate one sentence at a time. Add it here, then write the next. This page is what you print. The score stays off it. How to choose what belongs on the list is on Check-ins.
"We will start with one sentence. I am not against you. I do not think you meant harm. If we pause, we come back at a time we name now."
On your next call: ten minutes, both on headphones, no other tabs. Start with: "We will start with one sentence. I am not against you. I do not think you meant harm. If we pause, we pick a time to call back now."
If it's a text: send the one sentence, then stop. Don't add a second message while you wait for the reply. If you'd rather talk, ask: "Could we talk about this at [a time]?"
"Thanks for making time. I'd like to talk about one thing. This is about the process, not you. If we need to stop, we'll pick a time to pick it up."
By text or face to face: "I'd like to keep this to the kids and the plan: one topic, the facts, and what each of us will do. If we need a pause, I'll come back to you by [a time]."
Return time, if you need it: _______________
No sentences yet. Translate one above, add it, then use Write the next sentence for the one after that.
With a co-parent, the goal is a plan that works for the children, not agreement about the past.
More on co-parenting, including what to do when it may end up in court.
A productive conversation is two people heard, not one person convinced. Acknowledgement is not agreement. Hearing how it landed does not cancel your fact, and your fact does not cancel how it landed.
Do not invalidate. "You're too sensitive," "that isn't what happened," and "I didn't mean it, so it doesn't count" end the hearing. Intent can be said after they have been mirrored, not instead of it. The longer order is on Check-ins. The mirror-before-answer step is the speaker-listener order (Family Institute). Complain about the event, not the person (Gottman Institute).
"That's real. It is not this meeting. I'm writing it down for ________. We are still on this one."
Parked for later: _______________
Redirect when it gets heated (a raised voice, or sharp replies in a thread), a second topic shows up to win, or they heard a verdict you did not mean. Say once: "That's real. We are still on this sentence. I am not against you." Then say the chosen sentence again, and stop.
Stop when you repeat yourself, you go blank, they shut down or stop replying, the room is not safe, or a note on this page says Stop. Say: "I need a pause. I am not leaving this. We are okay. I will come back at [time]." Do not finish the point.
Redirect when it gets heated (a raised voice on the call, or sharp replies), a second topic shows up to win, or they heard a verdict you did not mean. Say once: "That's real. We are still on this sentence. I am not against you." Then say the chosen sentence again, and stop.
Stop when you repeat yourself, you go blank, they go quiet or stop replying, the call isn't private, or a note on this page says Stop. Say: "I need a pause. I am not leaving this. Can we call again at [time]?" Do not finish the point by text afterwards.
Redirect when the replies get sharp, a second topic shows up to win, or they read a verdict you did not mean. Send once: "That's real. I'm still on this one thing. I'm not against you." Then send the chosen sentence again, and stop.
Stop when you're writing a third message before they've answered, it turns personal, or a note on this page says Stop. Send: "I need a pause. I'm not leaving this. Can we pick it up at [time]?" Then put the phone down.
Redirect when it gets heated, a second topic shows up, or they heard blame you did not mean. Say once: "That's fair. We are still on this one thing. This is about the process, not you." Then say the chosen sentence again, and stop.
Stop when you repeat yourself, it turns personal, or a note on this page says Stop. Say: "I'd like to pick this up at [time], when I can give it proper attention."
Redirect when it turns to the past, to blame, or to a second topic. Say once: "I hear you. For now I'd like to keep this to the plan for the kids." Then say the plan again, and stop.
Stop when it gets heated, you repeat yourself, or a note on this page says Stop. Say: "I'd like to pause here. I'll come back to you about the plan by [time]." You don't have to reply to every message, and you don't have to answer a threat.
Stop the topic. Do not finish the point.
Say: "I need a pause. I am not leaving this. We are okay. I will come back at [time]." Say "we are okay" only if it's true. At work: "I'd like to pick this up at [time]."
Say: "I need a pause. I am not leaving this. Can we call again at [time]?" Say "we are okay" too, if it's true.
Say: "I'd like to pick this up at [time], when I can give it proper attention." Then come back at that time, to the same one thing.
Send: "I need a pause. I'm not leaving this. Can we pick it up at [time]?" Add "we're okay" too, if it's true.
Say, or send: "I'd like to pause here. I'll come back to you about the plan by [time]." Then reply once, about the children and the plan, at the time you said.
Someone who is flooded often needs at least 20 minutes, and the return should not slip past the next day (Gottman Institute). Come back to the same topic. Do not open with what happened during the pause.
Care does not require a solution. Lower your voice. Sit down. Get water. Put the phones away. If they asked for space, do not follow them, and do not send a stack of messages. One line is the signal. The return is the care.
Care does not require a solution. If they asked for space, don't send a stack of messages, and don't read silence as an answer. One line is the signal: "I'm here when you're ready." The return is the care.
Keep it to one message about the children and the plan. If they asked for time, give it, and reply when you said you would. You don't have to answer every message, or a message about the past.
Care does not require a solution. Lower your voice. Get water. Close the other tabs. If they asked for space, don't call straight back, and don't send a stack of messages. One line is the signal: "I'm here. Call at [time]?" The return is the care.
Keep it to the task. If they asked for time, give it, and come back when you said you would. One line is enough: "Thanks. Let's pick this up at [time]."
Nothing on this sheet is stored. If you close the tab before you save the PDF, the sentences are gone. Leave the score at home. Write the next sentence does not erase what is already here.
It looks at how a sentence is built (pressure words, questions that carry a complaint, absolutes, hints, a missing when) and how that structure may land for someone wired differently. That is Pillar IV, Tune how you send and receive. Timing and state are Pillar III, Read your state first. Inside you, it shows how you send. Between you and others, it helps the message you meant be the one that arrives.
The list of patterns appears here.
More than one message? If you need a whole back-and-forth in writing, try Talk it through in writing. It uses this same check on each part, asks you to wait before you send, and keeps both replies in order, with what you agreed at the end.