Safety and support: private help

Disagreements, grumpy days and the odd raised voice are a normal part of sharing a life, and most of this site is for those. This page is for something different. If someone is hurting you, threatening you, watching you or controlling you, that is not a communication problem, and it is not your fault. The tools on this site (pause lines, calm talks, apologies, “matching energy”) are made for two people who are both safe. Please don’t use them to manage someone who frightens you. Talk to people who do this every day instead.

Never been hit? It still counts. Checking your phone, controlling the money, deciding who you can see, or making you scared of how they’ll react are all real signs of abuse. You can talk to an advocate even if you’re not sure it “counts”.

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If you are in danger right now

Call 911 in the US and Canada, 999 in the UK, 112 in most of Europe, or your local emergency number.

Free, private people to talk to

• National Domestic Violence Hotline (US)
  Call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. Any time, free and confidential.
• love is respect (US, for teens and young adults)
  Call 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522.
• National Domestic Abuse Helpline (UK)
  Call 0808 2000 247, any time, free.
• For LGBTQ+ adults
  US: LGBT National Help Center, 1-888-843-4564, free and confidential. UK: Switchboard LGBT+ helpline, 0800 0119 100.
• Anywhere else
  findahelpline.com lists free helplines in your country.
• If you are thinking about ending your life
  In the US, call or text 988. In the UK, call Samaritans free on 116 123, or text SHOUT to 85258, any time. Anywhere else, find your local line at findahelpline.com.

Calls and texts can show up on a phone bill or in your call log. If someone checks your phone, a friend’s phone, a work phone or a library computer can be safer.

Help beyond this site: counsellors, support groups and books

When it’s more than a rough patch

Every couple argues. These are different. They are signs of abuse or control (sometimes called coercive control or domestic violence), and signs to talk to a hotline rather than try harder at home:

• You feel afraid of what they will do, or you plan your words and your day around their moods.
• They check your phone, track where you are, or decide who you can see.
• They control the money, your keys, your documents or your phone.
• They threaten you, the children, a pet, or themselves, to get their way.
• They push, grab, hit, choke, break things or block the door, even “just once.”
• They tell you it is your fault that they yell or hurt you.

Saying no, or asking for something out of care or respect for the relationship, is not control. That’s true for partners, family and friends alike. The signs above are different: they take away your freedom more broadly and leave you afraid. If you’re not sure which you’re living with, you can still call one of the lines above and talk it through.

None of this is caused by how you talk, and none of it is fixed by talking better. You can be kind and still need to be safe.

Worried about your own anger or behaviour?

If you have frightened someone at home, or you’re scared of what you might do when you’re angry, it took courage to look at this. Taking it seriously is the first step, and help works best when it starts early. You are not a lost cause.

• Keep everyone safe now. When you feel it rising, step away: leave the room, go outside, and don’t come back until your body has calmed down. Say when you’ll be back, and keep your hands and voice to yourself.
• Talk to someone who does this every day. Your doctor, an employee assistance programme (EAP) at work, or a local anger-management or behaviour-change group.
• The National Domestic Violence Hotline (US) also talks with people worried about their own behaviour, without judging you: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
• Find a counsellor near you with the Psychology Today therapist finder. Look for one who works with anger or family conflict.

If a child or anyone else is in danger right now, call your local emergency number.

If you’re a teen and home doesn’t feel safe

Parents are supposed to keep you safe. If a parent or another adult at home hurts you, threatens you, mocks you all the time or controls everything you do, that is not normal family stress. It is not your fault, and you do not have to fix it by being better.

It also counts if your parents’ fighting scares you: yelling, breaking things, someone getting hurt. You can ask for help even if nobody is hurting you directly.

Tell an adult you trust. A school counselor, a teacher, a relative, a coach or a friend’s parent. If the first person doesn’t help, tell someone else.

• In the UK
  Childline: call 0800 1111 free, any time, or chat at childline.org.uk. Calls don’t show on the phone bill. Shout: text SHOUT to 85258, free, any time. In danger right now: call 999.
• In the US
  Thinking about hurting yourself: call or text 988. Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741, any time. Childhelp: call or text 1-800-422-4453, free and confidential, even just to talk it through. In danger right now: call 911.
• For LGBTQ+ young people
  In the UK: Switchboard LGBT+, 0800 0119 100. In the US: The Trevor Project, call 1-866-488-7386 or text START to 678-678; Trans Lifeline, 877-565-8860; LGBT National Youth Talkline, 1-800-246-7743.
• Anywhere else
  findahelpline.com lists free helplines in your country.

There is more for you on the page For teens.

After a separation: when it’s more than conflict

After a breakup or divorce, some conflict is normal, especially about the children. But control can go on after you live apart. These are signs it is more than conflict:

• They keep messaging after you have asked them to stop.
• Messages come at all hours of the day and night.
• They threaten you about the children or about court.
• They use the children to carry messages, or to find out what you are doing.
• They show up at your home or work when they were not invited.
• They check where you are, read your accounts, or ask others to watch you.

Things that can help:

• Save everything, with dates. Screenshots, emails, voicemails. Keep a short written log of visits and handoffs.
• Use one channel. If your court order allows it, a co-parenting app keeps every message in one place, with times.
• Reply only about the children, at a set time you choose, for example once a day at 7 pm. Keep it short and factual.
• Talk to a family lawyer or a family-court advocate about protective orders and safe handoffs.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) helps after separation too. An advocate can help you plan handoffs and next steps. There is more on day-to-day messages on the page Co-parenting.

Clearing what this site keeps

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To see each item one by one, open What’s stored on this device.

Your browser history

Erasing this site’s notes doesn’t remove it from your browser’s history. You can:

• Use a private window next time (Incognito in Chrome, Private in Safari and Firefox). Pages opened there aren’t kept in history.
• Delete just this site from history. Open your browser’s History, search for “spreadloveandacceptance”, and remove those entries. Clearing all history can look unusual if someone checks.
• The app: if you added this site to your home screen, you can remove the icon like any other app.

If you think someone has put tracking apps on your phone or computer, a hotline advocate can help you plan before you change anything, so you aren’t put at more risk.